highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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