first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize