gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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