No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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