he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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