I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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