Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
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You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
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Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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