Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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