I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
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He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
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Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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