You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
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I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
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Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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