Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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