chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
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I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
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i need some magic done to my vagina
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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