There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
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It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
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Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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