Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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