what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize