I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
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just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
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Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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