Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
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All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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