Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize