We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize