I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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