So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize