I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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