I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
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Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
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I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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