The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
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You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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