Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
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I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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