Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
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So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
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Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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