Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
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When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
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GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
COCAINE IS GR8
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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