I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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