Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
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