there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
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I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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