remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
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it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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