it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
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i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
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you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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