we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
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Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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