you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dick very happy bro
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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