Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
farters have to be the big spoon...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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