"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
the condom got lost in my hair
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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