You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
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He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
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It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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