I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
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Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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