My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
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Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
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I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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