cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
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If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
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Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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