I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
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He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
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It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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