All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize