Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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