Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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