hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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