I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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