worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
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Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
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It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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