I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
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