I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
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I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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