Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
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Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
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I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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